Ibiza

I try to journal most days, dump my thoughts cuz my brain is so overactive and I gotta get the thoughts OUT OF THERE.

My Style Evolution

With the US Open on lately and watching Amanda Anisimova play and hearing her story (she took a break from tennis to focus on her mental health, did a lot of art & hung out with family) I can’t help but reflect on my own..

Moving to NYC 5 years ago to pursue fashion. I was on that path & then became so sick and miserable. I was encountering spirits, going crazy & forced to leave (and I thought I had to give up on this dream) … but now several years later I’m realizing it was a redirection.

My style at the time didn’t have as much spunk or personality. I dressed to fit in and didn’t really know my true self or my authentic style.
Forced to step away and BE unique & different (to explore psychic medium artsy dark emotional crazy Abby) and then embrace/love/accept that, then naturally brought out a different style.

I still hold many aspects of old Abby within me and wear lots of the same pieces, but I style them differently or add an “Abby touch.”

I also learned how to sew and hand make clothes, worked on the Anthropologie storefront, and gained style inspo from all over Europe.

Now I’m stepping back into fashion with new perspectives and opportunities & I’m SO grateful I stepped away to focus on myself and my overall health and happiness.
It can feel like you need to always be 10 steps ahead of everyone to achieve success, but sometimes all you need is to slow the f*ck down (hard lesson for me).

Ibiza Summer School

Going to Ibiza for ~6 weeks was one of the most challenging things I’ve done so far in life. (NYC & my health issues def rank high) but this time, I’d say moreso internally… here’s a bit of what I had to face.

Felt similar to what I’d imagine doing a 10 meditation retreat is like—although this was much more stretched out. As one of my mentors says, inner work can feel like a grueling tennis match against yourself.

Here's some of what I had to face>

1. My overthinking.

2. My doubts. Questioning myself, my worth.

3. My hyper-independence.

4. Control vs. Surrender.

5. Fear of Failure.

6. Fear of Success.

7. Comparison. Look at other people's paths and wondering if I am way behind or if I can do it too.

8. Jealousy/Insecurities.

9. Loneliness

10. Letting go. Releasing expectations

11. Body Insecurities. Learning to love my body.

12. Romantic struggles. Facing patterns.

13. Trusting God.

Graduation

I walked through a forest of Anthropologie/Free People and woke up to throw a grad party for my little sisters eeeeeee:))))) (AKA I had a dream that I walked through a bunch of Anthro/FP stores and it was awesome). Conveniently borrowed and wore Grace’s Anthro dress for the event. 🤸🏼✨ I’ve hung out with these 2 people since birth, couple of pretty fascinating people. 👑 They (//we) are graduated and off to take over the world!!! Off to Ibiza first cuz that's where my heart says I gotta go to face some things, meet some people and learn a bit more about life.

Rezul the Alien

I drew my new alien friend that is going to help me on this next phase of my journey!! 🤸🏼📟✨ When there’s a shift in life, you often have new helpers on the other side that guide you (11:11!) Some call them “spirit guides” but this term is a bit outdated for me personally.
Anyways, I always forget to ask who is helping me on the other side cuz it feels they shift so often. But I got CLEAR message this is a big important one for this Ibiza rise/ride.
Rezul came in this morning to my awareness and she is fucking dope she has a lot of LGBTQ mixed masc fem energy and is quite the powerful weirdooo so cheers to this next chapter I guess!! 🌈🍒💓❤️✨

Feel free to call upon her yourself if you need her assistance! She’s not just assigned to me!

Glass Breaking

Im really good at pretending to be perfect and holding my sh*t together. Until it all comes boiling up to the surface and explodes in mayhem cuz I kept shoving and shoving parts of me into a closet. eventually that closet bursts open and the situation is 10x worse than it would’ve been. 😆😵‍💫
What was in the moment soooo stressful chaotic and emotional became prob my favorite most memorable night so far in the island…. My whole purse got stolen (passport, credit cards, etc) and so many people helped me. Very glad this happened honestly... Crazy how god/universe works sometimes.

Really Intense Emotions

As magical, amazing, inspiring and fun as Ibiza has been for me so far, it’s brought lots of tears and emotionally difficult days.

Before I left I was intuitively getting the message this would be one of the hardest things I had to do so far. (Idk living in NYC during COVID or getting sick for over a year might be tough competition 😆)

God told me this would be kinda like when a mentor friend of mine did his first 10 day meditation retreat; it’s facing every emotion, fear, anxiety and part of you that you’ve been avoiding. Facing them to their deepest core. It takes more mental strength than anything.
Some days you want to give up.

Being here has tested my faith, my surrender, perseverance, confidence, thought patterns, self worth, my relationship with money, relationship to self, to Mother Nature and to God.

In the past 5 years ever since I figured out I was living on autopilot, and woke up to God shaking me awake, nothing has been the same. Everything I had planned for myself was bombed. I often feel confused like what am I supposed to do! Where am I going! God, what do you want from me? What’s my purpose ya know? Why can’t you just tell me? And he’ll say something like “Don’t you trust me?”
And I’m like HOW. How do I do that! And he says you take one step in the direction of your heart’s desires.
Don’t plan out every detail, don’t try to figure it all out you’ll collapse from the pressure. But I try anyways.

Trying to follow the whispers around me and slowly take one step in front of the other even though I want to run, and leap and peak around the corners at what’s coming next.

But truly I have no idea; I know it involves music and art but no idea what exactly that looks like, where I’ll be living, what job I’ll have next, how long I’m staying in Ibiza, it’s all so uncertain. And ever fiber of me being is fighting the urge to know and to control.

God is telling me to rest, play, & follow my intuition. To trust him and let him handle the plans. I hate it but I’m learning to love it because every day I do, he shows me far greater things than I ever could have imagined for myself. 💗